Family Constellations: Orders of Love

In Family Constellations, we often speak about the Orders of Love. This term refers to the natural order that exists within family systems, an order that mirrors the greater divine order present in the universe. Just as nature has a rhythm and balance, so too do our families. When this order is honored, love flows freely. When it is disrupted, the flow of love becomes blocked, and generations can carry the weight of what has been left unresolved.

When the Order is Disrupted

Families are deeply impacted by the events and circumstances of life. Suicide, affairs, abortions, stillbirths, incest, abuse, wars, and famine all leave an imprint on the family system. The consequences of these disruptions ripple forward, often unconsciously, affecting children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren.

The work of Family Constellations seeks to restore balance by recognizing what has been excluded, forgotten, or denied. By bringing these hidden elements into awareness, we create space for love to flow again.

Belonging: The First Order

The first principle is simple yet profound: everyone has the right to belong. No matter what has happened or how painful the circumstances are, each member of the family holds a place in the system. When someone is excluded, whether through silence, secrecy, or shame, the entire family system feels the imbalance. Acknowledging that every person has a rightful place is the first step in healing.

Second Order: of Hierarchy

Everyone has a place in a family system. Hierarchy is the second order. Parents come first, and children come later. This order honors the flow of life itself. Parents give, and children receive. It is not the child’s role to carry the burdens of the parent, no matter how much love or loyalty they feel.

This can be one of the hardest truths to accept, especially when life circumstances force children to grow up quickly, or as our parents age we take on the role of parent for our parents. In the natural order, parents give because they choose to bring their children into the world. Children, in turn, receive this gift of life with gratitude.

The Importance of Birth Order

Family Constellations also recognizes birth order. The first child is acknowledged as first, the second as second, and so forth. This includes children who were lost through miscarriage, abortion, or stillbirth. Even if they are not physically present, they still hold an energetic place within the family.

Acknowledging these children restores dignity to their existence and brings balance to the system. It allows the siblings who came after them to stand fully in their own rightful place, free of confusion or misplaced responsibility.

Including All That Has Been Lost

Tragic events such as wars, accidents, unexpected tragic deaths, or illnesses leave deep scars in family histories. When we fail to acknowledge those who were lost, the family system carries the weight of that silence. By giving them their place, we recognize their suffering and honor their presence. This act of inclusion helps heal the generations that follow.

Third Order: Giving and Receiving with Love

A balance needs to exist within our family systems; balancing giving and receiving is important. A balance applies not only in our families but also in our friendships and in our jobs. In jobs, we give our skills, our time, or our expertise, and in return, we receive financial compensation. If this balance is not present, we may feel under-compensated and resentful, unappreciated, or taken advantage of. In this case, a rebalancing may be necessary to bring satisfaction.

At its heart, the Orders of Love invite us to return to balance, to see clearly, and to restore what has been disrupted. Love is the highest order, and it is through love that we can begin to heal family systems and free future generations.

When everyone is given their rightful place, when parents give and children receive, when the forgotten are remembered, then love flows again. And it is this flow of love that brings peace, wholeness, and healing not just to individuals but to entire families.

More on Family Constellations

If this resonates with you and you would like to explore these teachings more deeply, I offer one-on-one family constellations to work together in restoring this balance in our family systems. To book your appointment, click here.

Or consider joining our upcoming retreats in April, May, and September 2026. The Orders of Love retreat for this September is FULL. During our retreats, we will experience the healing power of Family Constellations in a safe, supportive, and transformative group setting.

Details about the upcoming retreats will be on the Events and Workshops page.